BRAD TAKES THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT

Something a little different today . . .

Citing financial reasons, CBS has cancelled The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. The timing couldn’t be worse. Colbert has the #1 rated program on late night TV and, quite frankly, his hilarious political commentary has gotten me through a rough ten years. We’ve waded through the dirty morass of two Trump presidencies together, and when COVID struck and we all went home, Stephen turned the camera on in his bathtub and began a year of programming from home that kept me sane.

Is it coincidence that CBS cancelled the show two days after Colbert justifiably criticized the payout made by parent company Paramount to Trump after he sued 60 Minutes as a bribe? The President’s approval was needed to complete a merger between Paramount and Skydance, and he gave the go-ahead after the settlement. Even the head of the FCC alluded, rather proudly, that the two events were tied together. It sure smells like censorship to me.

Colbert has until May before his show goes dark. I’m ready to give up on CBS altogether (there hasn’t been much of worth to watch since they ended The Good Wife), and I feel certain that before too long Stephen will find a new home. In the meantime, I want to honor him by taking the Colbert Questionert. This is usually given to famous celebrities, who are invited to answer a series of carefully calibrated questions, after which Colbert assures them that they will finally be “known.”

I’m doing it to be known as well – known as a huge fan of Mr. Colbert’s. If I get notified that I’ve violated something, I’ll take this down immediately. But if in some way this demonstrates my support for the man and his show – for Louis Cato and his terrific band, for greeting cards with his wife Evie, for all the guests from every spectrum of society, but mostly for the man himself – then I’m proud to be known! And if you feel like joining the movement, take the Questionert yourself: it’s fun, if surprisingly difficult.

What is the best sandwich?

The best sandwich is lox – a really silky nova please – and cream cheese on a bagel. Some people put capers on it. I don’t mind them. Some put tomato. I don’t eat a lot of tomatoes anymore, but a good tomato can undercut the saltiness of the lox. Some add red onion. I like the flavor but can’t eat raw onions anymore. And some people add sprouts – this is pure evil and must be stopped.

What was the first concert you attended?

I was never much of a concert-goer, so my first was pretty late. My college roommate started dating a guitarist who played for Three Dog Night, and when they came up to do a concert at the Circle Star Theatre, she invited me to see the show and meet her guy. I got to go backstage and meet him, and the band even played my favorite TDN song, “Out in the Country” at my request. (TDN disbanded, but my ex-roommate ended up marrying the guy.)

What is the scariest animal?

Black widow spiders. My father built a two-story Fort Apache for my brother and me in our backyard, which we loved – until a nest of black widows were discovered cooling off in the covered portion of the fort. The end.

Apples or oranges?

I’m aware of the greater flexibility of apples, but I discovered in college that there’s nothing more refreshing than an ice-cold orange. (It might have had something to do with the weed.)

Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?

One year I took some drama students on a week-long field trip to New York City. One of the shows we saw was Sunset Boulevard starring Glenn Close. The students had learned that Ms. Close would sign autographs on her way from the stage door to her limousine, so after the performance, they ran outside and stood by the limo, programs in hand. I stood by by the stage door to let them have their moment. I’m no autograph hound, but when Ms. Close appeared, wearing sunglasses and flanked by two large bodyguards, I figured “what the hell?,” pulled out a pen and got into the queue. Ms. Close was one or two people away from me when a man came striding up behind me, grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me to the ground, took my place in line and held out a poster to be autographed. The actress signed his poster and moved on. The man strode away, leaving me sprawled on the ground in shock. But then Glenn Close stopped, turned and looked down at me. “Did I get yours?” she asked. I shook my head and said, “That’s okay.” She came back and smiled and said coaxingly, “Come on.” I stood up and handed her my program, and she signed it. And because she had been so nice, I gushed about her performance as Norma Desmond. I hope that made her day.

What do you think happens when we die?

We probably dissolve into oblivion, but I’d like to think there’s a heaven where I can have lunch with some of my favorite dead people and live in a lovely cottage with every dog and cat I’ve ever owned.

Favorite action movie?

Enemy of the State (1998) gives us Will Smith at his most charming, Gene Hackman (always perfect, and a looming threat by technology, which is filmed in a really interesting way by director Tony Scott. Jon Voight makes a great villain, and Regina King is very funny. The film is full of laughs and thrills and it does what I love most by giving us an underdog who figures out how to take the Big Bad down.

Window or aisle?

I prefer the aisle so I can stretch out my long legs. (Stop laughing.)

Favorite smell?

For all the memories it engenders, I have to say the aroma of a delicious meal cooking.

Least favorite smell?

Barf.

Earliest memory?

When I was two, my parents built a home in San Rafael, California. My cousins lived around the corner, and I would walk to their house to play. I don’t remember any of this, of course; what I do remember, though, is that the walk to their house involved a curving hill that seemed so incredibly steep to me that I would sit on the sidewalk and inch my butt down the hill for fear of tumbling to the bottom.

Cats or dogs?

I grew up with dogs (basset hounds and poodles), and I adore them. But in college, I inherited my first cat, and I have been a devoted cat person ever since.

You only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. What is it?

It would have to be something off my favorite album, Ella Fitzgerald Sings Rodgers and Hart. I’ll say “My Romance” because the violins are achingly beautiful, and Ella is the greatest singer of all time.