Let’s return to the mean streets for three more of the thirty-six films noirs made in 1955 that the Noirmeister Sergio Angelini sent to Nick Cardillo and me so that we can determine the Top Thirteen during our Noirvember Draft. (Here is the complete list.) Warning: not every trio of movies can be a banger, folks! Today, I feel like I went into a casino, my pockets filled with quarters for the slots, and ended up chained to the craps table. Here we go . . . 

Les Diaboliques

I think this is the only non-English speaking film on our list, but it’s not the first where I have to ask, “Is this reallynoir???” Henri-Georges Clouzot was a director, producer and writer who specialized in great thrillers. After reading the 1952 mystery novel Celle qui n’était plus (She Who Was No More) by Pierre Boileau and Thomas Narcejac, he optioned the film rights ahead of Alfred Hitchcock, who also wanted to make the film. The resulting product is definitely a psychological thriller, with elements of horror thrown in. It’s nearly two hours long and, frankly, feels it. Robert Aldrich must have borrowed some of the imagery here when he made Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlotte nine years later (and maybe Henry Farrell was thinking a bit of Les Diaboliques when he wrote the short story that inspired the film.)

The movie is tres Francais, in that it has at its core one of those sophisticated romantic triangles where you’re not sure who likes who more.  Michel Delassalle (Paul Meurisse) is the principal of a prestigious boys’ school, which he established using the money of his very rich young wife Christina (Véra Clouzot). Christina teaches at the school and clutches her weak heart a lot. Also teaching there is a bundle of voluptuous curves named Nicole Horner (Simone Signoret) who doubles as Michel’s mistress. But there’s no sneaking around for them: Christina is fully aware of their affair. In fact, she and Nicole seem to be great friends, or, at least, they support each other through various episodes of Michel’s sadistic brutality. 

At last, Nicole can stand no more, and she proposes to Christina that they murder Michel before he beats one or both of them to death. Christina is reticent! A good Catholic girl, she believes in neither divorce nor murder. But in a nasty dinner scene that occurs the night before the school takes off for a long weekend holiday, Michel behaves like a beast to his wife, his mistress, hie other co-workers and, worst of all, to the students. What’s a girl to do?!? Reluctantly, Christina agrees to assist Nicole in her plan to commit the perfect murder. 

The rest of the film lays out the women’s plan and its consequences. Although the act of murder was seemingly successful, signs appear suggesting Michel isn’t dead at all. (Like . . . he picks up his laundry!) A retired police detective (Alfred Vanel, really good!) takes an interest in their comings and goings. Christina’s heart gets weaker and weaker. The pacing is rather slow, but it finally leads up to the big finish which is great fun and leads to justice for all. 

I loved the four main actors, and I got a kick out of the fact that Hitchcock wanted to make this. I wish he had because I’ll bet his version of the movie would have gone faster. Definitely one you should watch – but I don’t think it’s film noir at all. 

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Female Jungle

This one is film noir, all right, more’s the pity! I was halfway through the movie when I realized that 1) I had suffered through it before, and 2) I had written at length about it on this blog! (You can read my thoughts here.) True, three years have passed, but you’d think I would remember something so, er, memorable. According to Wikipedia, this is the only film noir that American International produced. It looks like they spent thirty-forty dollars on it, and I only wish they had put in an extra sawbuck for a few brighter lightbulbs. But then, noir is supposed to be really really dark, right?

Bruno VeSota did us all a favor by directing only three pictures. He is a heavy-set man with great, er, feelings for women, but he was no Hitchcock. I mention the women because they are the best thing here: Kathleen Crowley had a long career in film and on TV, mostly as a leading lady, and yet nobody remembers her. Connie Cezon went on to play Gertie on the Perry Mason series, and she is the best thing in this movie. (VeSota must’ve thought so, too, because he casts himself as her husband and puts them in bed together.) But Female Jungle is most significant in being the film debut of Jayne Mansfield. The camera hugs her face and figure, even when she’s not even part of the scene!! (Down, VeSota, down!)

The film even manages to snag a star in the person of John Carradine, who plays a movie critic in love with another gorgeous blonde whom he turned into a star. She is strangled in the first shot of the film, and the rest of the movie piles the guilt onto Carradine’s slender shoulders. The police detective (Lawrence Tierney) is almost certain Carradine dunnit, because the costumer has dressed him up like Dracula. And the only witness thinks it’s Carradine because he spotted the man with Monica at the Can Can Club right before the murder.

Things look bad for the movie critic – but this is film noir and both the police detective and the witness are suffering from alcohol-induced blackouts. So let me spoil it for you and tell you that one of them dunnit. There! Now you don’t have to see the picture. And honestly – you wouldn’t be able to see it anyway if you tried because the lighting is so dim that the interior scenes are as murky as the exterior ones. 

 Okay, click on the link above if you want to read more about Female Trouble. But honestly, friends – why would you bother?

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Female on the Beach

Things go from bad to, well, different with this turgid melodrama (But is it noir? Is it???) Your enjoyment of this film is going to have a lot to do with your feelings about Joan Crawford at this stage of her career. Look, I won’t argue that Crawford was one of the biggest stars of all time. During her MGM years, she was drop dead beautiful and lots of fun. Her performance as Crystal Allen in The Women is one for the ages.

When it all went bad at MGM, she moved to Warner Brothers and set about trying to snag an Oscar. The result, Mildred Pierce, is a classic, but it also hands us the Crawford we’re going to get for the rest of her career, someone always hovering between a real person and a caricature of herself. By 1954, when she made Johnny Guitar, (my all-time favorite Crawford role), I can imagine all the movie sets of her pictures were pretty much the same: everyone called her Miss Crawford and had to be oh so very careful around her. Her scripts call for all the other characters to desire her, even if they also want to kill her. (Forget Johnny or the Dancing Kid and keep your eyes on Crawford and Mercedes McCambridge!) 

Okay, I’m stalling; let’s get to Female on the Beach. Here, the fifty-year-old Crawford plays Lynn Markham, a former show dancer turned rich widow who decides on the spur of the moment to move into her late husband’s luxurious beach home before she sells it. Luckily her tenant has vacated the premises. (Unluckily for the tenant, she was tossed off the balcony the night before.) In an early moment, Lynn is touring the house with the real estate agent (Jan Sterling). She stops in the kitchen, look around, and says, “I’m going to have a lot of fun in here.” From there on, she never eats a bite for the rest of the film. 

Things get very ugly from here, in one of those “stuck in its time” ways we can argue about, if you wish. Lynn meets Drummond Hall (Jeff Chandler), a virile gigolo who lives next door with his “aunt” and “uncle” (charmingly played by Natalie Schafer and Cecil Kellaway.) They are actually vicious con artists who use “Drummy’s” virility as a weapon against unsuspecting rich widows who rent on the beach, like the late tenant of Lynn’s house. 

Fortunately, Lynn is most suspecting, especially after she finds the tenant’s diary hidden behind a loose brick where the woman essentially lays out the complete con that drove her to drink. So we’re nearly halfway through the movie and Lynn is aware of every plot and trick against her and proceeds to kick everyone out of her life. 

Here’s where it gets disgusting: Drummy doesn’t want to go because he really loves Lynn, and he proves that by chasing her onto the beach, ripping off her clothes and raping her. And from that moment on, Lynn is madly in love with Drummy and takes to drink until she can see him again. Now she understands the lad. Now she realizes that only she can make him happy. They get married, and in the last twenty minutes the screenwriters try and turn this melodrama into a noir by having Lynn believe that Drummy wants to kill her. But it’s a case of “too little too late” – the identity of the real killer is so obvious that I actually got sleepy. 

For most of the movie, nobody talks like a human being. I’m aware that this is the province of melodrama, but if everyone stopped trading in quips and tried to actually communicate, well . . . there would be no Female on the Beach. And that is not a bad thing!

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This trio ranks itself:

1^st place – Les Diaboliques, a bit pacey and not really a noir, but an excellent horror movie.

2^nd place – Female on the Beach, Miss Crawford wears lovely gowns and looks great when she gets up in the morning. (It’s in her contract.)  Mr. Chandler takes off his shirt a lot. (I’ll bet that was in Miss Crawford’s contract, too!)

3^rd place – Female Jungle – I feel bad for Jayne Mansfield. 

Incidentally, if you are a Mansfield fan, the new documentary by her daughter, actress Mariska Hargitay, is on HBO and HBO Max. My Mother Jayne is a deeply moving film full of surprises. Skip Female Jungle and watch it if you can!